Creating Safe Harbor
(Blurb needed)
Relationship dynamics are all so unique and every trial creates its own spin in our lives - it’s difficult to offer blanket advice to anyone going through a life changing struggle. However, there are some general themes and ideas that can benefit any marriage, no matter the dynamics, dealing with any trial, no matter the magnitude. I hope it is encouraging to know that you are not the first (or the last) marriage to face enormous difficulty and God is walking beside you even when it feels like all is lost.
When a life altering tragedy occurs something has to give and usually one of the first things to move to the back-burner is the marriage. On one hand, I think that is how God intended things. We pour into our marriage, learn to love one another, sacrifice and support so that when grief hits there is an ever-ready well for us to draw from. On the other hand, marriages need constant time and attention in order to flourish and there is only so much a marriage can offer if you’re not investing back into the relationship. A trial, in and of itself, doesn’t tear marriages apart, but it does shine a giant spotlight into your life - every aspect. Those small cracks and growth areas (that every marriage has) can turn into gaping holes when they’re under a microscope of tragedy. That doesn’t mean that everything is lost - it just means that you need to move forward together and commit to patching the holes as life finds a new balance.
Here are some practical ideas to help get you started:
Patience, patience, patience, patience, patience. If only this were something we could bottle up and drink when we needed an extra boost. Stress affects people in dramatic ways - how we sleep, our digestive system, our ability to communicate, can make our brains foggy and difficult to concentrate, racing hearts, the list goes on. You have to assume your spouse is feeling just as out of sorts as you are, probably not in exactly the same ways, but it is absolutely affecting them both physically and mentally. Think about how you want to be spoken to, treated, given the benefit of the doubt, and then extend that same unmitigated patience accordingly. This is a tall order, probably an impossible goal really. But keep going back to this - remind yourself to lead with patience and give each other the benefit of the doubt over and over and over. It will have all sorts of positive benefits - patience will promote kindness between the two of you and set the appropriate tone in your family, it’ll keep the pathways of communication open if you’re not snapping at each other whenever you talk and it will help keep you in tune to your partners needs because there are all sorts of wonderful things automatically tied into patience - empathy, self-control, gentleness (sounds a lot like a list of fruit we should be working toward . . . ) Patience with one another is the key to surviving a trial with your relationship intact.
Pray Together - this is such a simple and effective tool to bring you closer to God and remember that He is in charge of it all, even when things look bleak. There are trials that will separate you physically - pray together over the phone. There are times you may not be able to speak every day - make it a priority to pray when you come back together. Words may fail you - take a few moments to come before God even when you have no idea what to say. (Spoiler - God knows what you need even when you can’t get the words out.) There is something about praying together that opens up the gates of communication and vulnerability in a more meaningful way than just talking. Plus, it helps remind both of you where your hope and encouragement truly lies and it is greater than what either of you can offer each other.
Create space for joy. We can feel guilty expressing joy when we are surrounded by suffering. Allowing yourself to experience joy is a deliberate declaration of your trust that God has you in the palm of His hand even when it feels like your world is crumbling. Some practical ideas - have a picnic date in the hospital courtyard, watch an episode of your favorite show and let yourself laugh, order rubber chickens and hide them all over a hospital room, sing your favorite hymn together at the top of your lungs, play scrabble with only made-up words, the possibilities are endless. Choosing fun, joy, laughter together cultivates gratitude for the blessings that you have and it helps remind why you fell in love in the first place!
Give each other the space to grieve. Grief is so deeply personal - it’s hard to know exactly how to offer advice for this specific piece of a trial, but when you are faced with illness or death or catastrophe, grief will be part of this process and you have to allow for it. Grief is messy and can be unpredictable, it can look like anger or fear - simply put, it is complicated and you have to give each other extraordinary patience (see bullet point one) as you both grieve. Chances are strong that you process grief differently - you’re going to need time and quiet to cry and walk and pray and journal. When you aren’t sure what else to do - going for walks together, with no goal in mind, is an effective strategy when you’re hurting. Walk and hold hands and let yourself cry and just be together. It can be remarkably healing.
Get professional support - It doesn’t matter how emotionally mature you are, there are some trials that will bring you to your knees and it is hard to know how to get back up again. Give your marriage the gift of some support when things have fallen apart and you’re not quite sure how to put the pieces back together. Find a therapist, join a support group, read a book on grief or trials and discuss the chapters together, do all of the above. God and His promises give us so much hope, but sometimes it can be difficult to know how to incorporate that hope into our daily life, especially as we’re walking through a shadow of grief. A good therapist can help address irrational (and rational) fear, iron out communication, help provide a roadmap for how to move forward together. It is an incredible tool to help strengthen any marriage.
As you start to put some semblance of normalcy back in your lives, your marriage will look different. That can be really scary. It can also be really wonderful. You’ve both changed and grown and softened and now you have the opportunity to figure out how you fit back together. The work can feel daunting and will certainly include difficult conversations and lots of emotions, but can also create a rock-solid foundation, invite greater intimacy and create a closer relationship overall.
