Serving Better by Being Unoffendable
Lindsey walks us through the next step in loving others (and serving them) well, which is choosing to overlook offense. Is it easy? Nope. Is it necessary? Absolutely. She references two books, Talking to Strangers by Malcolm Gladwell and Unoffendable by Brant Hanson. Follow along all week with our free study guide!
[Transcript]
As we heard from Kami last week, asking God for the eyes to see others the way He sees them is a great goal. However, our spiritual vision tends to get blurred the second we get mad. It’s incredibly hard to look at someone through the lens of love when they have just slighted you, criticized your family, or disrespected you.
We live in a world that is so easily offended.
Our culture seems to celebrate getting defensive and separating ourselves from messy people. What’s not easy is to sit with those feelings. For me, feeling offended makes my gut churn and my thoughts spiral. It upsets my whole body, mind, and spirit—sometimes for days. Being offended creates a root of bitterness that grows into all kinds of unpleasantness. So here’s the obvious, but difficult answer: Not being offendable makes for a much more peaceful life.
In fact, giving up our "right" to be offended is the very next step in correcting our vision so we can have God’s eyes to see others through.
But why do we get offended so easily in the first place?
Humans tend to make immediate, sweeping assumptions about people's motives and actions. In his book Talking to Strangers, author Malcolm Gladwell reveals a bit about human psychology. He notes that we think we can easily see into the hearts of others based on the flimsiest of clues. We look at someone's tone, an email, or a facial expression, and instantly assume we know exactly what they meant.
Gladwell writes, “We jump at the chance to judge strangers. We would never do that to ourselves, of course. We are nuanced and complex and enigmatic. But the stranger is easy.”
Think about how true that is. When we snap at someone, we excuse it because we are tired, stressed, or having a bad day. We are nuanced. But when someone else snaps at us, we assume they are mean, malicious, or obviously out to get us. Those wrong assumptions only fuel our outrage and offense.
Look inward first.
So what do we do instead? God tells us that our job when it comes to dealing with others is to look inward first at our own hearts. Jesus gives us a very clear warning about this in Matthew 7:3-5: “Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?”
As we just learned, humans are deeply flawed—but they are still the children of God. God’s child! When people act out of their brokenness, we don't need to make assumptions about their hearts. Scripture commands us in Colossians 3:13 to “Bear with each other and forgive one another if any of you has a grievance against someone. Forgive as the Lord forgave you.” We can offer immediate grace because we know God is already working on their future self.
When we choose not to take offense, we aren't saying that bad behavior is okay. Our focus should be on a way to maintain peace in our relationships. We can choose to trust God’s timeline instead of our own.
And trusting His timeline means taking our hands off the situation, bringing it to Him in prayer, and waiting for Him to act.
When we are hurt, we want instant justice. But Scripture repeatedly calls us to a different posture. Psalm 37:7 tells us, “Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; do not fret when people succeed in their ways, when they carry out their wicked schemes.” When we pray about an offense instead of reacting to it, we hand the issue over to the only Righteous Judge. Romans 12:19 reminds us, “Do not take revenge, my dear friends, but leave room for God’s wrath, for it is written: ‘It is mine to avenge; I will repay,’ says the Lord.” Praying for the person who offended you shifts your perspective. You stop viewing them as an enemy to defeat and start seeing them as a person who needs the same grace you do. We pray, and then we wait, knowing God is active even when He is silent.
But what about those times when we are genuinely, unfairly misunderstood?
Our ego screams at us to defend ourselves. In those moments, we can show spiritual maturity by being the peacemaker: we must choose to swallow the bitter pill of being misunderstood so that the cycle of offense stops spreading. Christ’s yoke is much lighter than carrying all the weight of real and perceived offenses around. Letting it go is the path of a peacemaker.
So how can we practically live this out? Here are three actions you can take this week in addition to praying:
Catch your assumptions: The next time someone misinterprets you, don’t get caught in a battle to prove you are right. Proverbs 19:11 says: “A person’s wisdom yields patience; it is to one’s glory to overlook an offense.” Tell yourself, God knows my heart, and that is enough for now. Their reaction is about their bias and history, not my identity. Reframe the sting with empathy.
Use the "respect reflex": When someone attacks you or tries to start an argument, refuse to play. Proverbs 15:1 says, “A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.” You can change the direction by offering a genuinely kind word; it disarms the tension and guards your peace. It's also amazing at restoring relationships.
Drop the fixer mentality: When dealing with a difficult person, repeat Brant Hansen's truth. He wrote a book called Unoffendable: How Just One Change Can Make All of Life Better. He realized his job is not to fix people or correct their motives. His job is simply to introduce them to a God who already loves them right where they are. Galatians 6:2 from our previous video instructs us to “bear one another's burdens, and so fulfill the law of Christ.”
As you take these actions, ask yourself: what is my ultimate goal? Stop and step back to assess what your true goal is in the situation. Sometimes protecting yourself, defending yourself, and making sure they understand you rightly actually overshadows and destroys the real goal you were trying to accomplish.
A kid I know was recently hurt by someone who used to be a close friend. This kid still wants a relationship and was plotting all sorts of ways to get their friend back, but nothing really worked. They’ve had to put themselves aside and just love this friend from a distance for now, praying for them and waiting for God to change hearts in His time.
Laying down our right to be offended isn't a sign of weakness. It is a sign of spiritual maturity, a sign of a peacemaker. So let’s choose the peaceful path of grace today, drop our defenses, and thereby put our faith into action.
Lindsey lives in central Pennsylvania with her husband and four kids. Easily excited by kindness, innovative ideas, and lively biblical discussions, she's trying to find joy in the everyday, and is grateful for God’s delightfully hidden gems scattered throughout creation and Scripture. Her favorite hobby has always been to learn something new and she's currently making a mess of learning the piano.
