Wisdom & Kindness
Last week we kicked off our Speaking Words of Life series by examining a common trap we fall into when we fail to stay mindful of how we use the tongue: gossip and slander. In week two of our series on speaking words of life, Barb shifts gears to discuss how we SHOULD be using our words. Keep reading below for some truly edifying thoughts, and don’t forget to grab this week’s free companion study guide.
"She opens her mouth with wisdom, and on her tongue is the law of kindness."
I can't read this verse without thinking of my mom, and I said so publicly at her funeral when all her children "rose up and called her blessed." She truly was the Proverbs 31 woman in every way, but this virtue impacted me the most and stands out as the most praiseworthy. I think that is because of all the qualities of the virtuous woman this is perhaps the most difficult to achieve, and the one which reflected Mom's true inner beauty.
As women, we are by nature entrusted with the hearts of the women in the church when they express to us their past and present fears and struggles. And whether we like it or not, what we say to them and about them and every member of the body of Christ has a great impact. When we mess up with our words they not only deeply hurt others, but they also reflect poorly on us as Christian women, and even on God and His church.
It's not only the audible words we speak we need to consider, but the words we speak to ourselves in private -- our thoughts. Sometimes those are the most dangerous words of all -- even though they remain unspoken. We say them over and over to ourselves -- entrenching them deeper and deeper into our brains, often unaware of them -- let alone their impact on our minds, our spiritual growth and our relationships, especially the most important relationship -- our relationship with God.
As Christians, we focus on the fact that we must not just put sin out of our lives, but replace it with the righteousness of Christ, the true Bread of Life. Are we using this replacement principle with our words? The tongue of the virtuous woman was not praised primarily because she bit her tongue, but because she was a woman who replaced sinful words with words of wisdom and kindness.
Do we really understand the powerful impact of words that are "fitly spoken" and why they are like "apples of gold in pictures of silver?"
Proverbs says that "sweetness of the lips increases learning," and that "Pleasant words are like a honeycomb, sweetness to the soul and health to the bones." And wholesome words are a tree of life.
Once again, scientific research supports the Bible. It is fascinating to study the impact of words and how they affect everything from personal growth rate on the job, to pain levels, health, and even the brain itself. And did you know that expressing compliments, gratitude, and a sincere, heartfelt, proper apology can actually have a healing impact on both parties involved?
Think about and share ideas with your spiritual sisters on how we can use the replacement principle with our words. I would like to prime the pump and share one suggestion with you.
Have you ever considered the principle of passing on "good gossip" -- 2nd hand compliments? None of us want to be viewed as an insincere flatterer, so many times we are quiet and don't express sincere praise when we should. But when you pass on 2nd hand compliments — telling people the positive things that others say about them -- there are obviously no ulterior motives. You didn't make the positive statement yourself, so how can you get any credit for it? Not only will people be more apt to believe the compliment, but it also helps build a positive relationship between those two people. I think this is especially important if there is a breach in a relationship. Just as passing on negative words said about others will damage and destroy relationships and reputations, passing on praise and compliments can help build bridges, ease hurts, and plant seeds for future reconciliation.
I don't mean by all this that we are to white-wash communication. We should not stuff our concerns or hurts, but express them in an appropriate way, at the appropriate time, to the appropriate person. There are also times as the proverb says when "the wounds of a friend" are necessary and a time for honest, direct "go to your brother or sister" conversations. Done in the right way, these can sometimes be the kindest words of all. But even the wounds of a friend need to be motivated and directed out of love and stated with respect, not about healing our hurts or letting off steam. Also, the key words here are FRIEND and BROTHER. To be truly effective, there must be a close, loving relationship first. This should encourage us to develop a family relationship with every person in our circle.
And remember to not use harsh words when gentle ones will accomplish the same goal. Proverbs says a soft tongue has a lot of power, too. It can pacify leaders, "break a bone" and defuse anger. How we deliver these "wounds of a friend" and how we accept them when they are inflicted on us are crucial to both our spiritual health and the health of the body of Christ.
I came up with this topic for a reason. I haven't "tamed the beast" yet, especially when I’m speaking with the one person who deserves my gracious words the most -- my husband. The true test of our words is often what we say to those in our safety zone -- the ones with whom we are the most comfortable expressing the good, the bad, and the ugly - our close friends and family. Even when the ugly comes out, we can help turn this ugliness into good if it helps us to see ourselves more clearly. We may never see it if it is just bottled up inside, and we can't change the ugliness if we don't see it.
As Proverbs says, "life and death is in the power of the tongue." That includes the life and death of all of our relationships, including our relationship with God. So this is serious business. We need to choose life and life giving words. I want to do better. I NEED to do better. SSSOO much better. We all do.
So let's talk more about this topic with our spiritual sisters and come up with a plan to help each other be more like the virtuous woman -- filling our mouths with wisdom and the law of kindness.
Barb attends church in Cincinnati, Ohio. She loves hanging with her children and hibernating with her grandchildren in Alaska. She loves history and sign language, and talking with friends in any language.
