The Heart of Suffering

In week two of our study of Job, Melissa gets vulnerable with us by sharing two personal stories of grief and how her heart posture in each circumstance really directed her grieving process in very different directions. 

Follow along with this week’s scripture doodle featuring 2 Corinthians 4:8a, “We are hard pressed on every side, yet not crushed.”

[Transcript]

Part 1

Is There a Wrong Way to Grieve?

Hi, and welcome back to Stir. In last week’s video I showed through scripture that emotions are morally neutral, and that it’s what we do with our emotions that leads to sin or righteousness. I used anger as my prime example, but since we are studying Job through the lens of grief this week, I want to wade into more sensitive area and pose the question: Is there a wrong way to grieve? Psychologists would say—and I confirmed this through a Google search with AI overview—“No,” that grief is very personal and everyone must find their own pathway through it. However, as discerning Christians we are called to consider what scripture has to say on a topic, AND judge the fruits of a thing, before forming conclusions.

Paul Defines Godly Sorrow

Since grief is really just a type of sorrow that specifically stems from loss, let’s look at some instructions Paul gives regarding the proper way to sorrow. In 2 Corinthians 7:10, he writes, “For godly sorrow produces repentance leading to salvation, not to be regretted; but the sorrow of the world produces death.” So he’s making a distinction between godly sorrow and worldly sorrow, based on the fruits each one bears. If our emotions are powerful enough to help nudge us closer to the Kingdom or pull us further from it, I think it’s important to talk about how the grieving process can likewise be used to either spur on personal growth or separate us from God.

To help bring this concept to life, I’m going to get a bit vulnerable with you and share my own Tale of Two Griefs.

My Miscarriage Story

My journey of motherhood included four miscarriages. Most were early on, but my third miscarried happened when I was a bit further along in the pregnancy—about halfway. Not too long before it happened, I had randomly seen a snippet of a reality TV show where a woman experienced a miscarriage and immediately quoted Job 1:21, “The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord.” When my own miscarriage began, my mind returned to her beautiful example and I resolved to show equal trust in God’s wisdom; so I made that verse my personal grief mantra.

Mirroring Job’s Positive Example

Those words—“The Lord gives and the Lord takes away. Blessed be the name of the Lord”–carried me through that difficult time. By immediately bringing God into the picture in a way that was full of humility, I was giving my grief over to Him and trusting in HIS process, and He was so gracious to me throughout an experience that could have sunk me to the lowest depths of despair. I felt His presence every step of the way.

Coming Up

I wish I could say that I handled all future grief as well as I did in this example, but unfortunately we humans often have to do things the hard way to learn our lessons. I’ll tell you more about that in Part 2 of this story, so be sure to check back for that on Friday, and don’t forget to follow Stir Devotion and turn on notifications so you won’t miss any of the wonderful content we have prepared for you.

Part 2

Hello again! In my last video, I shared a personal example of how grieving has the potential to draw us into deeper intimacy with God.  I told the story of my third miscarriage and how the words of Job 1:21 kept me humble and near to Him while my heart healed from the loss of my son. If you haven’t yet seen that video, you may want to go back and view it first.

Unanswered Prayers

Fast-forward seven years from that trial, and my brother-in-law was losing his battle with cancer. It had spread all over his body, and I was praying harder than I’d ever prayed before. James 5:15 says that “the prayer of faith will save the sick” so I refused to consider that God might not save him, lest God see that as a lack of faith and not answer my prayers. And yet he did die, leaving behind a young widow and three young children. For months I was bewildered, unable to reconcile the God who would allow this, with my longheld idea of God as a loving Father. I basically ceased private prayer, because it felt like a pointless exercise. I wasn’t saying God didn’t answer prayers, but He sure didn’t seem to answer mine, so why bother?

Sin Separates Us from God

After six months in this dark headspace, a friend shared in a public forum how she had recently felt separated from God. When she prayed about it, He revealed that the source of the separation was pride. She repented and felt Him draw near to her again. I knew in that moment that God was using her words to speak directly to me.

Silent Temper Tantrums

If you’re a parent, you’ve undoubtedly watched your child melt down because you said “no” to a request, knowing that what they desperately wanted wasn’t actually what was best for them in the long run. Those first six months after my brother’s death were my own silent tantrum, raging against God for not giving me what I wanted.

Letting Go of Prideful Anger

Now convicted that God felt far away because it’s incompatible for a righteous God to dwell where pride has taken up residence, I got down on my knees and poured out my heart to Him in repentance. And you know what? He was right there, ready to draw near to me once the pride was gone. In the following months, He revealed Himself to me in some really big ways, answering prayers big and small, almost as if to show me, “See? Your prayers do matter and I do want to answer them with a ‘yes,’ as long as it’s really what’s best for everyone.”

Contrasting My Two Types of Grief

So let’s look back at the two types of grief: When I grieved my miscarriage with humility (“The Lord gives and the Lord takes away; blessed be the name of the Lord”), God stayed near and strengthened me throughout the whole trial. But when I grieved with pride and bitterness, listening to the enemy’s lies that God doesn’t really answer my prayers or care about our lives, He withdrew His presence from me and I grew weaker.

Submission Through Trials

I learned a lot of lessons from these two very different journeys through grief, but the biggest one is this: While we don’t get to choose WHEN trials come, how SEVERE they are, or how LONG they last, we do have control over this one thing: We get to choose whether we’ll grieve in a way that is like a spiritual temper tantrum, or whether we’ll remain submissive. When trials come, ask God to keep your heart soft and trusting, regardless of whether you get your way.

So I ask you again: Is there a wrong way to grieve? I hope after hearing my stories that you will agree that grief is a powerful tool for either driving us to bitterness or driving us into our Father’s arms. If we can cling to God in submission during life’s hardest times and persevere, our trials will eventually bear the beautiful fruit of drawing us nearer to Him.

Melissa lives near Louisville, Kentucky with her husband and four children. When she isn’t on the pickleball court, you’ll find her starting innumerable creative projects or jumping into the first few chapters of her latest personal growth book, knowing she won’t have time to finish it before the next intriguing title catches her eye.