Roadblock #3: Boundary Problems
Our relationship with boundaries has a direct impact on our capacity to serve joyfully and faithfully rather than shutting people out, people pleasing until we burn out, or neglecting what God has entrusted to us. Join Melissa in Part 5 of our Strength for Service series as she sheds light on the connection between boundaries and our ability to serve with strength. If you missed earlier parts of this series, you can find them here: Part 1, Part 2, Part 3, and Part 4.
[Transcript]
As we continue our Strength for Service series, I want to address how boundaries impact our ability to serve effectively.
If you take one thing away from today’s chat, I hope it’s this:
The goal of healthy boundaries isn't to protect us from serving others; it's to protect our ability to faithfully serve what God has actually entrusted to us.
Two Ditches
Boundaries are not inherently selfish. God has set many boundaries for our good, because an absence of boundaries leads to chaos, and God is not the author of confusion, but of peace. As humans, we want to follow His example in setting loving boundaries; however, in our imperfection, we can accidentally end up in one of two ditches.
As I strive for balance in any area of life, I picture a road disappearing into the distance, with ditches on either side. When it comes to boundaries, one ditch contains people who are so rigid about their boundaries that they’ve become selfish. On the other side are people pleasers with weak or nonexistent boundaries.
In the middle of the road you will find those who are being wise stewards of that which has been entrusted to them by God.
The First Ditch: Selfishness
I won’t give much air time to the selfishness ditch because we’ll address it more fully in a future series allllll about boundaries. But it is possible for our boundaries to become so self-oriented that they primarily serve to protect our own comfort, blinding us to opportunities to follow our Savior’s example of sacrificial love.
I’m going to spend most of our time today addressing the other ditch, where boundaries are so weak that we give away too freely what God has entrusted to us.
The Second Ditch: People Pleasing
People pleasers struggle to set any kind of boundary, usually out of fear–that of disappointing others, rejection, conflict, being seen as selfish, not measuring up, or losing a relationship.
People pleasers eventually burn out for two big reasons. First, sustainable service is love-driven, and fear is contrary to love—(remember, “perfect love casts out fear”). Second, people pleasers readily obey God’s command to lay down our lives for one another, while overlooking the fact that the same God puts finite limits on our time and energy. This kind of spiritual cherry-picking sets the stage for hitting a wall in our ability to continue serving.
Jesus’s Boundaries
Let’s look at a boundary that Jesus set around serving others, based on his finite time. In Mark 1:32-38 we read,
“At evening, when the sun had set, they brought to Him all who were sick and those who were demon-possessed. And the whole city was gathered together at the door.Then He healed many who were sick with various diseases, and cast out many demons…Now in the morning, having risen a long while before daylight, He went out and departed to a solitary place; and there He prayed. And Simon and those who were with Him searched for Him. When they found Him, they said to Him, ‘Everyone is looking for You.’ But He said to them, ‘Let us go into the next towns, that I may preach there also, because for this purpose I have come forth.’”
Jesus knew there were endless needs around Him, but He also knew His purpose. He didn’t allow the expectations of others to take precedence over God’s expectations. Did anyone claim He was selfish for not staying longer? Probably! But instead of chasing people’s approval, our perfect Example set a limit on how much time He would spend in one place before moving on to minister elsewhere.
Moses’s Lack of Boundaries
Let’s contrast this with Moses, whose responsibilities had quietly spiraled out of control. In Exodus 18, we read that he was judging cases for the Israelites “morning until evening.” His father-in-law asked, “Why do you alone sit [and do this]?” Moses’s response, in short, was, “Because the people come to me.”
Jethro pushed back:
“‘The thing that you do is not good. Both you and these people who are with you will surely wear yourselves out. For this thing is too much for you; you are not able to perform it by yourself.’”
He counseled Moses to train other men to hear the easier cases so that Moses would only judge the more difficult ones. Then he concluded, “So it will be easier for you, for they will bear the burden with you… then you will be able to endure.”
I relate a lot to Moses. Sometimes my husband has even said, “Why are you doing all this?” to which I’ve essentially replied, “Because the people come to me!” Moses was doing good work and meeting legitimate needs, but the burden had gradually become unsustainable. It took an outside perspective for him to see it.
Have you likewise become so used to overextending yourself that it mostly just feels normal?
The Apostles’ Boundaries
In Acts 6, we see a different example. The Hellenistic widows were being neglected in the daily distribution of food, but the apostles recognized that attending to this need personally would distract from their primary calling.
They said:
“‘It is not desirable that we should leave the word of God and serve tables. Therefore, brethren, seek out from among you seven men of good reputation…whom we may appoint over this business; but we will give ourselves continually to prayer and to the ministry of the word.’”
The apostles didn’t say, We don’t care about hungry widows! They said, This need matters, but we are not the people who should personally meet it.
THAT is what a healthy boundary looks like—actively choosing to steward what God has appointed to us over competing interests.
Not every need that exists is ours to fill.
Evaluating the “Why” Behind Our Boundaries
In a message about boundaries, my pastor once phrased it this way:
What do we love, and what are we trying to protect?
If we’re primarily looking to protect ourpersonal comfort, that’s when our boundaries become selfish. If we faithfully love and protect that which God has appointed to us, that’s stewardship.
Jesus put it this way in John 5:30: “My judgment is righteous, because I do not seek My own will but the will of the Father who sent Me.”
We know that our boundaries are good ones when their end game aligns with God’s will for our lives, not just our own desires.
Do I Keep Serving the Perpetually Needy?
I want to address a situation many of us have run across—that of whether we should continue giving and giving when someone seems to have an endless well of need.
Sometimes the need really is enormous, and it isn't anyone's fault, such as a friend whose child is seriously ill. In these situations, we need to seek God’s wisdom about how much we can give without neglecting other areas He has entrusted to us.
Go back to Jesus’s example in Mark 1. He didn’t determine His responsibilities solely based on the size of the needs around Him, but by the bigger picture of God’s will for His life. And the example of the apostles in Acts 6 is a reminder that sometimes the best way we can help is to recruit the right help rather than trying to personally meet every need.
Faith and empathy may cause us to stretch our capacity for a time, but it does not make us limitless.
Please note, however, that the example above—that of a friend with an ill child—is very different from a situation in which a person continuously drains others’ time, energy, and finances through a series of poor decisions without any recognition of their need for change or awareness of their selfishness. Discerning when helping turns into enabling is important, but outside the scope of today’s chat. We’ll return to it in our future series on boundaries.
A Practical Example
Here at Stir we’re all about real-world application of the concepts we discuss, so I want to share an example of a time I decided to set a boundary. Let’s analyze whether it was healthy or selfish.
I had four kids back-to-back, and when they were little I would get so stressed by messy activities like paint and Play-Doh. I wanted to be the nice, fun mom who encouraged creative play, but the dragon lady scrubbing paint off the dining chairs and picking Play-Doh out of the carpet was neither nice nor fun.
I eventually decided that we would take a break from unnecessary messes until they no longer triggered me to yell.
It felt a bit selfish at first because it didn’t seem like what a good mom would do. But I later realized that what I was experiencing was the discomfort of doing something unfamiliar—saying “no”—rather than the discomfort of God’s Spirit convicting me of selfishness.
You see, while this boundary was certainly self-protective, I don't think it was selfish, because it acknowledged that my responsibility to be warm and loving toward my children trumped my responsibility to provide elementary art education. I set a boundary that prioritized my relationship with my kids.
One person’s selfish boundary may be another person’s healthy boundary because of differences in personality, temperament, stress tolerance, time demands, season of life, and physical and mental health.
A selfish boundary says, “I’m unwilling to inconvenience myself,” while a healthy boundary says, “I am willing to sacrifice myself, but not if it compromises something more important.”
Only you and God can really know the motivation behind your “yes” or “no.” I've occasionally thought someone was being a bit selfish, only to later realize that their “no” was the better part of wisdom in their circumstances.
The Bottom Line on Healthy Boundaries
When we're trying to decide whether or where to set a boundary, ask:
1.What do I love?
2.What am I trying to protect?
A healthy boundary protects what God has entrusted to us: our relationships, our time, and our physical, emotional, and spiritual health.
A boundary is loving when it promotes wise stewardship.
When in doubt, keep circling back to those two questions and seek God’s wisdom every step of the way.
Melissa lives near Louisville, Kentucky with her husband and four children. When she isn’t on the pickleball court, you’ll find her starting innumerable creative projects or jumping into the first few chapters of her latest personal growth book, knowing she won’t have time to finish it before the next intriguing title catches her eye.
